I’ve been sick on and off for as long as I can remember. As a child, I was in hospital a lot with asthma, and spent an extended period in the Xavier Home in Brisbane, where I kept up my school work, and did everything I needed to do to not die. I didn’t know about getting well. I felt abandoned by my family, and thought I’d never go home. How can a child get well and thrive in a situation such as that? Anyway, the fear of abandonment has hung over me for the remainder of my life, making me unable to say no to things, and people, that were harmful to me. And yet, here I am, still here, and diving deeper into the depths of self than most people dare to go. Yes, many people go through some self-inquiry - there are so many books and workshops out there now - but they usually stop at a certain point, fearing what they might find if they probe any deeper. I want to go deeper. I want to go so deep within that I get to the me that was before this life even existed! I want to know why I am the way I am, and what is blocking me from living the life I could be living. And I’ve found some interesting things along the way. I walk my talk. I live and breathe what I say. And I notice everything… every thing…
However, sometimes we need a sounding board in order to become clear about what we want, and a good therapist can be helpful here. When I was working through some issues with my ex-boyfriend, I saw a lovely therapist. After we'd worked together for a few months, she said she thought I could do anything I put my mind to. The trouble is, I don't have the desire to put my focus on the things others in my life think I should be focusing on. For instance, I don't feel passionate about anything - other than this inner work, and energy healing, which may not bring in an income. I don’t believe life is about working hard just to make money and buy nice things. That's not laziness, I just don’t agree with that work ethic. I believe that our abundance is accrued and waiting for us to allow it into our lives. I needed to do the inner work in order to set myself up in a more centred space, by healing the stuff that needed to be healed - the shame, the guilt, the fear of abandonment and rejection - things that made me act in ways that weren’t in my best interests (for you, it may be different).
And now, it’s time to let the tethers go, and lose sight of the shore on the outside! I never wanted to travel the world when I was young. My sister did, but I felt more comfortable staying at home. At the time of writing, a friend and her partner are travelling all around Italy. She’s posting the photos online for all her friends and family to enjoy, and I am really beginning to see myself out there, in the big, wide, world - and not alone, either, but with my soul mate! I never really wanted anything for myself but a house and two dogs. Now I want it all. I don’t need to be in a relationship - I worked through my co-dependence in the last one. And I’ve been working on my issues since I broke off with him, so that I would be healthy on all levels when I met my equal.
If I’m going to untether my boat and lose sight of the shore, I might as well do it in all areas of my life!! I’ve never been wealthy - that was too big and scary for me, and I felt unworthy and uncomfortable with money. Whenever I had money, I quickly got rid of it, either by spending or giving it away. I’ve never been truly well - either emotionally or physically (and yet, I have an inner strength that has always been there, no matter how sad or depressed I've felt). I’ve never been in a relationship with a man who is my equal - spiritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually. To ask why, and not look inside first, is just whining! During my deep diving, I found the answers, and I did the work (and I’m still doing it) and now I say, it's time… time to live!
The best way to stay centred is to remember what you want, and look towards that. An important note here: If you feel anxious about the thing or person you think you want, then you’re coming from fear, and you’ll attract the thing you fear, rather than what you want! Trying to make stuff happen just works against us. I know it seems sometimes that things aren’t going the way you want them to, and that’s because there hasn’t been enough inner work to discover what the blocks are, and then healing, or clearing them. Complaining about something increases the energy around that thing, and that's how our beliefs are born. We have a thought, we focus our energy on it, and then we attract that very thing, and so we believe it to be the truth. Much better to use that power to create positive beliefs, don't you think?